The Crazy Lady's Emporium

Come one, come all!  Welcome.  WELCOME – to the CRAzY LADY’S EMPORIUM!

      Why the Crazy Lady’s Emporium?  This title is not meant to offend anyone.  In fact, it is a simple observation – much of what goes on in my head does not “jive” with what the world considers “sane”.  And, I believe, that much of what is considered “crazy” by those rational souls whose thoughts and actions are weighed upon the scales of what constitutes the logical, concrete and rational, or which can be translated into an equation according to the “laws” of mathematics or science – are flawed – skewed – limited by their need to live their lives as though they really can equate the mysteries of our existence into the rational terms of an equation.  So I am simply saying that by choosing a course of rational thought exclusively, one is missing a whoppingly big chunk of our experience and reality, and by excluding that portion which mystifies or seems illogical – they are coming up with an equation that is inherently flawed. So, those things which defy explanation, which rational beings wish to deny the existence of, which many decry as “crazy” or  some such term, are to me in fact, not only an important part of the equation, but may well be the MOST important part of it!  So crazy for me is just fine, because I believe that somewhere in the mix it embraces the incomprehensible Truth of God and His creation.  Hence the name “The crazy lady’s emporium”. Just a side note here:  I did consider calling this journal “The inane meanderings of a tormented heart” but decided that “the crazy lady’s emporium was a little more upbeat…

    You might be wondering, “What can she possibly have to say about anything?”  As it turns out – quite a lot.  Is it of any importance?   I don’t know! Perhaps it will be to my beautiful daughters, Margaret Rose, Christina and Rebekka.  When I write “you” in these missives, it is most certainly to them that I use this word.  Is it worth the effort to put this down on paper?  Who knows?  Certainly I am not the best judge of that!  Quite simply, I’m writing because, as all who write find, these thoughts keep swirling about in the fishbowl of my mind until and unless I discharge them in this fashion. Why reveal these thoughts to you?  I hope that through these words I might build a bridge from my heart to yours and from our hearts to God-at least my experience of who He is and His truth.  A Truth that both creates the limits and balance of our existence & the cosmos, and accordingly disrupts them as His will and wisdom decree. I understand that each of our journeys to God is different, but I believe that there are similarities too, that is what understanding the Truth of God is about.  That is why I am reaching out to you…

And so, for you, I will pull back the curtain of my heart and I warn you that this is no witty or fun trip.  I  will attempt to share with you the things that I have learned and if I sound pompous or arrogant, I’m sorry.  I don’t have a writing “style” and I apologize in advance for the amateurish aspects of expression… If I should convey anything that helps you – AMEN! And if I should lead you astray- May God have mercy on me a sinner.  And so to begin…

     “God is everywhere and fills all things…”  Now I’m going to ask you to open your inner eye – the eye of your heart - and imagine those you love, their faces, and then imagine your surroundings,  the trees the earth the animals, then imagine the towns and cities nearby – teeming with people and animals and vegetation, then further- imagine the continents, - all the places in the world filled with life and so far from you;  then, take flight and leave the earth and look back from space and see it as a whole, floating in the cosmos, turn and look in all directions and see the vast universe – the stars, the planets the galaxies.  These are not the vain imaginings we are warned about in church - this is an embrace of God, for God’s life creating spirit is present in the tiniest particle of all of this.  When we do this, we are stretching out our hearts.  Not the organ that pulses blood through our veins, nor the seat of our emotions.  The heart, that the orthodox call the “nous” is that place within us which is directly connected to Christ, to God and to the Holy Spirit.  It is through this chamber that we are able to connect with all that He is. 

    I believe that when I love God’s creation –specifically in those nearest and dearest as well as those I can only imagine but know exist, that I am in fact, worshipping God purely, and obeying without hesitation, His desire for me.

    The heart, is a metaphysical/supernatural place within our being. It is our soul.  You can’t see it, measure it or hold it in your hand, yet each of us who loves, knows the certainty of its reality.  Because it is our connection with God, it is not bound by the physical laws of our human perceptions and existence.  This phenomenon, which we cannot prove exists, is at the same time larger than ourselves and connects us to the infinite.  When I love, I love each being, each creation with my whole heart.  When I love, my heart does not divide itself into portions larger and smaller.  I simply love each person- each creation with my whole heart.  When we love, we enter that place which has infinite space.  When we love, because of the bitterness of suffering and death, part of us dies.  When we love, in our hearts we join with the sufferings, and joys of that which we embrace, and in that moment our souls fuse with them and with God, for God has already loved them, wholly and without reserve.  To love each one completely, is impossibility in terms of rational thought.  There is no equation that allows it.  Yet it is a reality and one which surpasses human understanding.

    When we love, we are emptying ourselves.  When we love we are being filled with God.  There is no emptiness within us if our hearts are filled with love for one another and for God.  Satan may play his horrible tricks upon us, and we may “feel’ empty, but we are not.  There is room in my heart for everything and everyone that is not truly evil.  And with that love comes the pain of their suffering and death.  And so, as l loose through death, one person or creature that I have loved with my whole heart, I die a death as well. Our bodies die but once, the heart may die many times. In the moment that I love, the bittersweet reality of this finite existence pierces my heart.  To be separated by death with one I have loved is excruciatingly painful.  And Christ found this true, and so He died for us, that death may only be a moment of passing into the eternal kingdom of His Grace.  This too, is a metaphysical act.  It broke the rules of our existence.  If we can only stretch the limits of our hearts- our nous, we can believe that all these things which seem impossible for us, are for Him, more simple than our stretching of our hearts to love.  Love, is the “bright sadness” which connects us to our Lord.  The Holy Spirit is the Grace which fills our hearts and shows us the way to transcend the limits of our minds and bodies and to then unite with His Glory.  If you pray, and in the silence you feel empty, open your heart to LOVE.  In that moment you will at least perceive a Glimpse of His Glory and love for you, for to Him you are but a little child who needs His care.  If you are empty, get up from your knees and obey Him, do an act of love.  However small it may be, it will draw you nearer to Him.

     When we love, suddenly the inner eye opens.  It sees and penetrates the shell of our existence and it allows us to perceive the unique beauty of all, as well as the living image of Christ within them.  It opens the door of our will to the fulfillment of God’s use of us as His ambassadors.  If you need God’s embrace, love someone, and surely, in their arms you will receive it physically, in the way that he has given us-each other.  If you love and are rejected, love again.  Love again and again and at some point, in His mercy, He will show his love for you through them.  The world is not yet so dark a place that there is no one to love you.  If you are sick and unable to reach out in love, stretch out your heart to love God and His creation, pray for the Comforter – His Holy Spirit- to enter you and to fill you, and BELIEVE that He will.  For Him to enter, we must desire Him in our hearts – we must open the door of our heart - and when we do, He will never fail us. Never. And the mystery of this is that He was there all the time, but we didn’t allow ourselves to feel His presence.  There had been some spiritual barrier –doubt, fear- pain –it could be many different things, but when we invite Him in, all those barriers are broken, removed and we realize He is with us and He truly loves us.  He knows we will sin, and it grieves Him for our sakes, but He comes to us anyway, as a loving Father or Mother does to a child who has fallen down and hurt himself.  “Abba”, Father, Daddy…No matter how old we are, we are always children to Him.

     When we empty ourselves as we love God’s beautiful creation, the ego, the will is transformed and filled with a desire to care for it, for others.  As we grow in this love, ultimately, the only part of us that remains, is that little child who desires to be in the arms of his loving Father .  When you love, you do not have to focus on your own sin. In fact, focusing on our own sin and guilt is exactly what the devil wants.  When we focus on our own selves, we are turning inward, not outward.  Outward from our hearts is the path that leads to Christ.  Spend what time you must to determine your sins and then being resolute in the desire to press closer to God, let them go.  Give them to Him.  Turn your thoughts and energies toward His will, which is for us to love one another, and step forward.  In the desire to love and care for others, there is less and less room to desire things which are destructive and they will simply fall away.  All Christ cared about was the condition of our hearts and that is because our hearts dictate our actions.  You will always sin – commit acts which are not life giving – but you can strive toward loving and in the process, become purer and purer.  Love destroys the darkness within and without – it is the only way.  All other attempts are half measures at best.  And, if you love, you must accept the pain that comes with loving.  That is the pain which cleanses our souls and leads us out of the abyss of sin.  There is a movie called “The Mission” with Robert deNiro who is the terrible sinner, the priest who he confesses to has him get a huge net and fill it with garbage and junk and carry it around with him.  The priest has absolved him, but the man cannot forgive himself.  So, he carries this bag of stuff around with him, a physical expression of his sin, throughout a long and arduous journey.  There is a scene where he is trying to scale the side of a cliff, and finally realizes that he can’t go forward until he cuts the net free-which he does.  He begins his walk of love and faith at that moment, no longer hindered by the weight of his own sin.  Satan wants us to be overwhelmed by our sin, he delights in our self-flagellation.  When we are so busy feeling remorse, we cannot love.   Time is precious; our lives are short, try to redeem your sins with acts of love.  Turning inward still massages the ego, even if it is painful and your remorse is real.

We are not called to be “good people”.  As Fr. Byentoro said, “We are called to be holy and pure…”

      Being good is equal to like, being holy is equal to love.  And in as much as we truly love- have agape love, we participate in the crucifixion of Christ through our hearts. Agape love is not simply a feeling of caring. The degree to which we deny our own desires, even needs – is the measure of its authenticity.  Christ set the standard – he gave Himself on the cross.  He who was innocent of all sin, assumed the sin of others into the divine mantle of His love – for all of His creation.  And as I have written this, I’ve felt that mantle of His love envelope me.  Thank you, Father, I will keep writing.  It is through loving, not the staying away of sin to preserve our PERSONAL integrity or to avoid guilt, no –it is through the act of love that we are purified of all that is sinful within us and we become holy as we are filled with His Holy Spirit which is the source of all our ability to love.  Love comes from God, when we surrender our hearts to Him, perform His will in loving his creation to whatever limited extent our hearts have opened to others and ultimately all of His creation, we are filled with His Grace and become Holy and pure.  Sounds simple, and it is, but that doesn’t make it easy.  I believe it is the most difficult thing each of us will ever do – and the most important!

It’s been a long day and I’ve been writing off and on throughout it.  Time to rest.